DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. They are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
DEMOCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE: You have two cows. One keeps threatening to separate and form its own farm. The farmer gives that one lots of extra feed to keep it happy and demands the other cow learn a second language.
CANADIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. The government will give you two more if you move your farm to the Prime Minister's riding.
CUBAN CORPORATION: The government has two cows, which keep trying to escape to the farm across the river.
IRAQI CORPORATION: "Iraq does not have, and has never had, the capacity to produce milk." - Scott Ritter
SAUDI CORPORATION: You have two cows. You hire foreign workers to milk them, sit back, and watch the money roll in. Lately, the cows haven't been producing as much milk as they used to. Somehow it's the Jews' fault.
ISRAELI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They produce as much milk as your neighbours' two hundred cows. Your neighbours keep trying to kill you. Robert Fisk says it's all your fault.
NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION: The Dear Leader has two cows. Which he kidnapped from Japan.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Osama is dead in a cave, along with two dead cows. He is seen on videotape milking the cows, and Arab News proclaims the tape to be proof that Osama is still alive and poised to bring America to its knees, just as soon as he is finished milking the cows, which is taking longer than expected.
BLOGGERS:Somebody linked to a story about two cows. Another blogger read it, called bullshit, and fisked the cows. The original blogger called bullshit back and fisked the fisk. The cows became famous for one day, then everybody forgot about them when Barbra Streisand diverted the attention of all the cow-floggers toward HER bovinity.
ROBERT FISK: Fisk encountered two cows. They knocked him down and stomped him. In a lengthy, gaseous article for The Guardian he explained that he understood why they did it and felt that he deserved it, too. Many readers failed to comprehend his thinking, but all agreed that he deserved it.
ROBERT BYRD: The esteemed Senator from West Virginia inserted pork-barrel spending into the Education Bill and used taxpayer dollars to buy two cows, which will stand in the "Robert C. Byrd Cow Pasture," purchased with additional taxpayer dollars as a part of the Farm Bill. The cows are officially named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Cows." They don't give milk, but they have 2,653 federally-funded caretakers watching over them, paid for by another pork-chop in the Homeland Security Bill, which also named a freeway overpass, a bridge and an office complex after the honorable Senator. Life is good, unless you're a taxpayer.
Two Cows
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DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. They are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
DEMOCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE: You have two cows. One keeps threatening to separate and form its own farm. The farmer gives that one lots of extra feed to keep it happy and demands the other cow learn a second language.
CANADIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. The government will give you two more if you move your farm to the Prime Minister's riding.
CUBAN CORPORATION: The government has two cows, which keep trying to escape to the farm across the river.
IRAQI CORPORATION: "Iraq does not have, and has never had, the capacity to produce milk." - Scott Ritter
SAUDI CORPORATION: You have two cows. You hire foreign workers to milk them, sit back, and watch the money roll in. Lately, the cows haven't been producing as much milk as they used to. Somehow it's the Jews' fault.
ISRAELI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They produce as much milk as your neighbours' two hundred cows. Your neighbours keep trying to kill you. Robert Fisk says it's all your fault.
NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION: The Dear Leader has two cows. Which he kidnapped from Japan.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Osama is dead in a cave, along with two dead cows. He is seen on videotape milking the cows, and Arab News proclaims the tape to be proof that Osama is still alive and poised to bring America to its knees, just as soon as he is finished milking the cows, which is taking longer than expected.
BLOGGERS:Somebody linked to a story about two cows. Another blogger read it, called bullshit, and fisked the cows. The original blogger called bullshit back and fisked the fisk. The cows became famous for one day, then everybody forgot about them when Barbra Streisand diverted the attention of all the cow-floggers toward HER bovinity.
ROBERT FISK: Fisk encountered two cows. They knocked him down and stomped him. In a lengthy, gaseous article for The Guardian he explained that he understood why they did it and felt that he deserved it, too. Many readers failed to comprehend his thinking, but all agreed that he deserved it.
ROBERT BYRD: The esteemed Senator from West Virginia inserted pork-barrel spending into the Education Bill and used taxpayer dollars to buy two cows, which will stand in the "Robert C. Byrd Cow Pasture," purchased with additional taxpayer dollars as a part of the Farm Bill. The cows are officially named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Cows." They don't give milk, but they have 2,653 federally-funded caretakers watching over them, paid for by another pork-chop in the Homeland Security Bill, which also named a freeway overpass, a bridge and an office complex after the honorable Senator. Life is good, unless you're a taxpayer.
