new French bashing guidelines
kravitz
location: eugene
listening to: Wild Feathers, Pat MacDonald, Electric Six, Mutemath
registered: 2000.02.20
FEDERAL FRANCE-BASHING STANDARDS & GUIDELINES
 |
1. |
Effective immediately, Americans are directed to discontinue use of the word "French." For example, henceforth, that overly-sweet, bloody liquid slathered on yellowed iceberg lettuce at Shoney's shall be "Prancing Snail Swallower Dressing;" those greasy sticks of carbohydrates and sodium kept warm for hours under heat lamps at McDonald's shall be "Beret Wearing Pansy Fries" (and shall no longer be available in any size other than "embarrassingly small"); and restaurants throughout the land will begin serving "Unbathed Asshole Onion Soup." |
|
2. |
Americans shall promptly initiate a boycott of the "French Kiss" – replacing it with PATRIOTIC expressions of affection such as the "Texas Uvula Wallop" and the "Dixieland Stinky Finger." |
|
3. |
Upon sipping from any glass or bottle of inferior French wine in a restaurant, all citizens are hereby directed to spit it onto the floor before braying that the imported beverage was either "too flinty" or "indistinguishable from a rancid slick of year-old poodle menses" before loudly ordering a refreshing 48 oz. Gallo Peach Liebfraumilch slushy as a replacement. |
|
4. |
All American colleges and universities must immediately dispense with the folly of teaching the pathetic "Soft Philosophies" of Voltaire, Sartre, and Descartes - and begin aggressively indoctrinating our starry-eyed youth to the profound, righteous, and less tediously cerebral works of Hannity, Rumsfeld, Noonan, and The Rock. |
|
5. |
Moving forward, U.S. journalists and historians alike are to incinerate any liberal textbooks which incorrectly assert that the French saved our ragtag, shoeless asses at Yorktown during America's noble fight for independence from those charmingly irascible and currently endearing limeys (a struggle now rendered ironically moot by Britain's decision to fork over what little sovereignty they didn't give to the European Socialist Union to our State Department).
http://www.whitehouse.org/ |
–--
illegitimi non carborundum
FEDERAL FRANCE-BASHING STANDARDS & GUIDELINES
|
1. |
Effective immediately, Americans are directed to discontinue use of the word "French." For example, henceforth, that overly-sweet, bloody liquid slathered on yellowed iceberg lettuce at Shoney's shall be "Prancing Snail Swallower Dressing;" those greasy sticks of carbohydrates and sodium kept warm for hours under heat lamps at McDonald's shall be "Beret Wearing Pansy Fries" (and shall no longer be available in any size other than "embarrassingly small"); and restaurants throughout the land will begin serving "Unbathed Asshole Onion Soup." |
|
2. |
Americans shall promptly initiate a boycott of the "French Kiss" – replacing it with PATRIOTIC expressions of affection such as the "Texas Uvula Wallop" and the "Dixieland Stinky Finger." |
|
3. |
Upon sipping from any glass or bottle of inferior French wine in a restaurant, all citizens are hereby directed to spit it onto the floor before braying that the imported beverage was either "too flinty" or "indistinguishable from a rancid slick of year-old poodle menses" before loudly ordering a refreshing 48 oz. Gallo Peach Liebfraumilch slushy as a replacement. |
|
4. |
All American colleges and universities must immediately dispense with the folly of teaching the pathetic "Soft Philosophies" of Voltaire, Sartre, and Descartes - and begin aggressively indoctrinating our starry-eyed youth to the profound, righteous, and less tediously cerebral works of Hannity, Rumsfeld, Noonan, and The Rock. |
|
5. |
Moving forward, U.S. journalists and historians alike are to incinerate any liberal textbooks which incorrectly assert that the French saved our ragtag, shoeless asses at Yorktown during America's noble fight for independence from those charmingly irascible and currently endearing limeys (a struggle now rendered ironically moot by Britain's decision to fork over what little sovereignty they didn't give to the European Socialist Union to our State Department).
http://www.whitehouse.org/ |
–--
illegitimi non carborundum
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