What in the wide world of sports...settle down and don't overheat yourselves...

Here's the opening:

1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787". after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance. They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts together. ARTHUR raises his hand.

ARTHUR Whoa there!

SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder: castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.

SOLDIER Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeater of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!

Pause.

SOLDIER Get away!

ARTHUR I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR Yes!

SOLDIER You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR ...What?

SOLDIER You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR (Scornfully) So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR What do you mean?

SOLDIER Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

| ARTHUR | Why not? | | SOLDIER | I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and | weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound. |

ARTHUR It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a a one pound coconut.

ARTHUR Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times every second. right?

ARTHUR (irritated) Please!

SOLDIER Am I right?

ARTHUR I'm not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER (who has loomed up on the battlements) It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European swallow. that's my point.

SECOND SOLDIER Oh yes, I agree there ...

ARTHUR (losing patience) Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights of Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLDIER Oh yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLDIER

Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER No, they'd have to have it on a line.

Stillness. Silence again.