I don't know. Did anybody hear about this?

Church Secretary Kidnapped and Tortured by Wiccans! Freehold, Iowa July 17, 2010

AP Wire Services

Freehold, Iowa - Ms. Edna Denkins, 27 was found wearing only her "What Would Jesus Do" thong, malnourished and chained to a post in the basement of a condemned rural farm home in the remote mountains of North Western Iowa.

Ms. Denkins, was lifted by MedEvac chopper to the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital after authorities were alerted to her position through a Facebook posting she managed to type using only her tongue on a GPS enabled phone. The phone was possibly left behind by her captors and found at the scene.

Ms. Denkins, who was last seen in mid-May at an Iowa truck stop before her abduction by what was thought to be a Born Again Christian Long-Hauler who turned out to be a Wiccan High Priest disguised as a member of the Landover Baptist Board of Deacons, is embroiled in a much larger dispute over the financial and administrative leadership of the largest and most influential church in America, the Landover Baptist Church™. Thousands of Tea Party members who traveled hundreds of miles to the scene say they were misled by a chain mail from the Landover Baptist Church™ about a bunch of Negroes forcing a white woman to cook in her underwear.  After a few sips of whiskey and rifle shot, it became clear to them that there were Wiccans afoot.  Tea Party members erected a wooden cross in a nearby field and lit it on fire to provide them light for what one official called, "The Great Hunt to Restore America From Evil."  Ms. Denkins was barely recognizable to her beloved friend and spiritual advisor, Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick who was already standing outside the farmhouse when the Freehold Iowa 7th Regional Battalion of Baptist Police Officers arrived early Saturday morning.

"I went downstairs before anyone arrived, so excuse the fingerprints all over everything," Hardwick said.  "Ms. Denkins looks like a skeleton of her former self. She was restrained to a post in the basement, her nakedness covered in grime and filth," he continued. "She was barely breathing, and evidence from the bruises on her frail body suggest she was repeatedly dragged up the cellar stairs by her hair and forced to cook for her captors in a rat infested kitchen.

"THIS CRIME SCENE STINKS AS BAD AS A WICCAN'S HINEY ON HALLOWEEN!" Hardwick shouted to members of the press who had gathered outside the farmhouse by late Saturday afternoon. "We found what looks like the remains of cooked squirrel and rat legs scattered about the kitchen," he continued. "As soon as we get the evidence to my personal team of Christian Hate Crime Investigators, you WILL BE SHOCKED TO LEARN THEY ARE NOT REALLY RODENT LEGS AT ALL!  I believe they are the innocent fingers of lily-white little Christian children!"  Hardwick choked through sobs to press members, before breaking down in tears.  After Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick regained his composure, he opened his Bible and read scripture verses from the Old and New Testaments to explain to members of the liberal media how Wiccans mock the holy sacrament of communion by chewing upon the boiled fingers of little Christian children in hopes that their master, Satan will fill them with evil spirits.  "Based on expertly planted evidence, and extremely reliable Christian hearsay, there is no doubt in my Godly mind that a Wiccan coven kidnapped and tortured poor Edna Denkins," he said.  "If True Christians like us hadn't arrived when we did, the ghoulish fiends would have come back to finish her off, possibly via human sacrifice or by simply eating her alive!"

Concerned conservative citizens continue to pray and exchange business cards as they scour the area surrounding the remote farmhouse, capturing and detaining any Wiccan who peeks their head out of a hole or rotten tree stump. Landover Baptist Police Sergeant, Thomas Calloway vows, "We will capture and detain every Wiccan within a 300 mile radius of Freehold, Iowa and hold them in our Kennels indefinitely!  And if we find any Negroes out here where they don't belong, we'll hand them over to the Tea Party, and that will be the end of that!  Praise Jesus!"

Ms. Edna Denkins remains under close watch in the Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital under the care of Chief Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards.  Landover Baptist officials will continue to helm the investigation which at this time - with Tea Party members on the scene, requires no need of additional assistance from Federal or State authorities.