What Does Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney Really Believe?

He believes that Jesus Christ is Satan's brother. He believes that God lives near a planet called "Kolob." He believes in baptizing dead people. He believes that Jesus is married to a goddess wife. He believes that The Garden of Eden was in Missouri. He believes that it was impossible for Negroes to go to Heaven before 1978. He believes that Jesus has children from his wife or wives. He believes that he is going to become a god. He believes he will own his own personal planet after he dies. He believes the real Christian God is not eternal but rather that He was once a man on some other planet besides Earth! He believes he needs to wear magical underwear created by Mormons and he is never to take it off unless he is bathing. He believes it is a sin to drink anything containing caffeine. And that even includes True American™ drinks like Coca-Cola! He believes children between the ages of 18-21 should wear name badges, ride bicycles and always smile.