HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... by Stretch Melon Clinton
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next
line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...
sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport
Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul
or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and
Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and
you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth.
b. you were once blind but now can see.
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary
Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on
the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken
down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn,
and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many
men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy
it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
How To Sing The Blues (no DB content)
R
richard
(view)
HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... by Stretch Melon Clinton
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next
line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...
sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport
Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul
or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and
Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and
you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth.
b. you were once blind but now can see.
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary
Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on
the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken
down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn,
and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many
men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy
it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next
line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ...
sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she
weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down
trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport
Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a
Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul
or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and
Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your
leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the
parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and
you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt.
b. you're blind.
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth.
b. you were once blind but now can see.
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary
Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on
the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken
down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn,
and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many
men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a
computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy
it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care.
