The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded each year in New York to the
author of the worst possible opening line of a book. The 1999-2000
world-wide winners are:

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind
in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition with her perfect lips and mouth and a small
straight
nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,
was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon-
to become the woman he loved."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger
and
spit
in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE BEST OF ALL:
"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming
madly,
"You lied!"