As usual i have nothing of significance to contribute but smutty jokes...and the urge to wish everyone a Happy holiday (even though nobody says that over here cos it does not sound right)! and especially you rms! This will take a while and by the way if i'm way of the mark with some of it Dan then...sorry!

BREAKING THE SEAL Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
The Wit and Wisdom of Swiss Tony: Classic Fast Show! (A TV show in the UK�very funny)
MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, Paul, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip into the old bag.
WASHING A CAR Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
ANSWERING THE PHONE Answering the phone, Paul, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, Paul, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING Of course, Paul. As you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Children in one Sunday School class were asked to write "Life Lessons" that they had learned. Here are some of the responses: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. 7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac. 9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 10) School lunches stick to the wall. 11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12) Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
What's For Dinner One day, an American was touring Spain. After a day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents on his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Confession Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
Priestly Assistance One day a priest was walking down the street. He saw a little boy on the front porch of a house trying to reach the doorbell. The boy was standing on his tip toes and jumping up and down, but he still couldn't reach the bell. The priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?" The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell. Then the priest said, "What now?" The little boy shouted, "Run!"
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds."
TALIBAN T.V. Times
06.00 Gee-Had TV. Morning prayers. 08.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. La-La & Po show how to grow Anthrax. 09.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers. 11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects. 12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to take over the world. 13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed. 15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions.'Starter for ten, no praying.' 15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. 17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour. 18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00 Who Wants To Be A Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council? 20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel. 23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round. 0.00 When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 00.30 The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories. 01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again
Potential and reality.. A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father pondered for a while, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you have learned." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!" The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically we're living with two slappers." The father replied, "That's my boy!"
This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as different emotions e.g.. anger, fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard, and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fu**ing discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check buying accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Hangover Star Ratings
1 star hangover * No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of Fries.
2 star hangover * * No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * * Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime someone walks by you gag because their perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Bert. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * * You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either. Missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems, depending on your gender. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976.You would give a week's pay for one the following - Home time - A Doner kebab and somewhere to be alone - A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover * * * * * You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability tolerate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but hat would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe . . .. Very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * * You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you know you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking all the pictures off, you find the dunny. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting... Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and it goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15- minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your bum come out of your mouth on the last occasion. You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1 hour intervals. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. You are abused again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept the advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. The whole day spent (as hangover 4 star) you finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again . . . . . Until next time!!!
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot of land.. One day a gang of builders turned up to build a house on the plot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a 50 pence piece.. She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to put it into her savings account. When they went to the bank, the bank cashier was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings. "I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly. "Goodness!" said the cashier "And will you be building a house next week, too?" "Yes," answered the little girl. " Providing we get the f***ing bricks."
Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appalingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the dungarees. But Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and judge the Australians for himself.