ah for fuck's sake Kent couldn't you have made it a bit shorter for me.............

How to lose friends and alienate people. No. 11: The Annual Data Protection Conference, 1-3 July


1. When the receptionist at the conference hotel asks your name, say: 'Who wants to know?'
2. When asked for some form of identification, reply: 'You must think I'm some kind of amateur.'

3. Approach head of MI6 holding a piece of paper and say: 'This entitles me to know what colour pants you're wearing.' When asked about the document, say: 'It's a snooper's charter.'

4. During MI6 presentation on internet surveillance ask: 'Can you see if my mate Kate has answered that chain letter yet?'

5. When a civil liberties speaker says, 'This is the age of Big Brother,' shout: 'Great isn't it, but you never see any sex.'

6. A government scientist outlines psychological profiling from a single DNA sample. Point to a stain on your hotel sheets and say: 'All right then, how many GCSEs have I got?'

7. At a talk on 'data sharing' between government agencies say: 'So can I have that CCTV footage of me on Crimewatch ?'

8. A man from Sainsbury's talks about a database of customer consumption patterns. Shout: 'So what's for dinner Friday?'

9. A security expert warns that financial fraud is epidemic. Say: 'Why don't you use my mum's birthday as your PIN number?'

10. When campaigners demand police destroy DNA samples, say: 'Those stains are harder to shift than you think.'