ah since you asked


An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary and Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Mary came in the next morning hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approachedher and said: "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied: "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."


Fifteen minutes into the flight from Scumchester to New York, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." David Beckham turned to the Posh and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."


There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was Her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"


An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice". The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either". The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.... When the gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go until the gorilla is subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van," said the gorilla remover. So he puts up the ladder, gets the baseball bat and the shotgun. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," he shouted.

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong? " Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"


This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick. Here are the three winners: Third place: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Second place: Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. And the winning entry: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter When deciding how best to be blown.


David Beckham buys two horses but he can't tell them apart. So he asks Sir Alex Ferguson what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again. He asks Alex for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horse�s ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. He is still confused. He asks Alex what to do. He tells him to measure them. Beckham comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"


A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.

OVERWEIGHT BLONDE A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, you are on the other side."

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

THE VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big Oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

NOT BLONDE, but . . . When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."

Once upon a time a shepherd was looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Lexus SUV screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in a Cerutti suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, Rolex wrist watch, and a Versace tie got out and asked the shepherd , "If I can guess correctly how many sheep you have, will you give me one sheep?" The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at the grazing sheep and replied , "Okay" The man parked his SUV, connected his notebook and mobile-fax, entered into NASA website, scanned the ground using his GPS, opened a database and 60 excel tables filled with logarithms, then printed out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1586 sheep here" The shepherd answered, That is correct, go ahead and pick a sheep. "The man picked one up and put it in the back of his SUV. The shepherd looked at him and asked, "If I can guess your profession correctly , will you return my animal to me?" The man answered, "Yes why not?" The shepherd said, "You are a consultant". "How did you know?" asked the man. "Very simple," answered the shepherd. "First, you come here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"

A woman walks into a bar, A bloke walks up to her and says "Whats your pretty little name?" "Carmen, coz i like cars and i like my Men!" She then asks the man, "What's your name?" "BEERCUNT!!!"

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains,"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, what's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 
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JOKES

A Scum fan from Manchester! Seriously though, here is the joke section. Because there are so many jokes, we have split it up into sections. You may find some articles funny also, but they would be just too long and not quite joke material!

Please send in any jokes you have to us at [email protected] or using our simple form.

These pages will become a running archive. Read, and enjoy!

If you would like some anagrams, click here.

If you would like some famous manager quotes, click here.

Get your exclusive Man Utd 2002 calendar here! Another top calendar are the Sexy Doughtnut girls here! Another exclusive Arsenal calendar here!

Thanks to Pete Southam, Niles, Vikram Sangar, Glynn Hemingway, Matt Knowles, Markos, Mick Tully, Dave Potter, All White Jim, Laura Rogers, Georgina (not the Smith fan), Ron Jones, Les Johnson (No1 Leeds Fan), MasterMind, Jo Momma, Richard (Devout Leeds In Exile), Jac, Martyn Evans, Darren, Stuart Wright, Gelderd, Simon H, Paul, Gina, Lottie, R. Sole, Brooker LUFC, Alex Baker, Paul 'Cogsy' Kirkbright, Ian (Toronto White), Mick Chrimes, Joyboy, Leeds Lad In Oz, DaveHWildman, Steven Mitchell, We Are Leeds, Jen, Baldman, Scott Evans, Andy Doorbar, Nick, Mark Lawton, Wibble, Dymond Geeza, Phil Cameron, Sam Palmer, Geoff Ranson, P B Martin, and Tony Stephenson for many of the jokes here.

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary and Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Mary came in the next morning hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approachedher and said: "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Mary replied: "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

One day, during an English lesson the teacher asked the class to think of a sentence containing the word 'contagious'. A few hands go up and the teacher asks Susie. "My brother has measles and he is contagious" "Very good" says the teacher. The teacher then asks Michael, "A boy told a joke in class and the laughter was contagious" "Very impressive!" the teacher exclaimed. Billy is at the back waving his arm. "Go on then Billy" the teacher prompts, "Me and my dad saw a man painting the side of his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take that cunt ages!"

Alex Ferguson has the honour to be a judje in the next miss world as he is sat there he is aproached by 3 beautiful women Miss South Africa,Miss Spain and Miss Argentina Miss south africa says "fergie I admire your management skills" she then shows him her right breast and asks him to sign it so he happaly says yes. Then miss spain says " I admire the way You play mind games with your opponents before you actually play them" she then shows him her left breast and asks him to sign it, again he says yes. Then Miss Argentina says "fergie I admire the way you raise your players as if they were your sons" she then lifts up her skirt to show him she has shaved just for him, "so could you sign this please, Fergie replies "sorry luv last time I signed a bald Argentinian c*nt it cost me 28 million

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Scumchester to New York, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." David Beckham turned to the Posh and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

SORRY....................... - Sky has just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only Paper View.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name" Girl: "Sharon" Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes" Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Bleedin Romford, mate."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was Her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice". The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either". The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."

A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?" Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs." MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?" Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year." < MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?" Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be.... ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Simon and half uncle.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.... When the gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van he has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" asks the homeowner. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go until the gorilla is subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van," said the gorilla remover. So he puts up the ladder, gets the baseball bat and the shotgun. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," he shouted.

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong? " Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"

Er YUCK!!!!! An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words, Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber), in a limerick. Here are the three winners: Third place: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Second place: Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. And the winning entry: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter When deciding how best to be blown.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says," For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

David Beckham buys two horses but he can't tell them apart. So he asks Sir Alex Ferguson what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So he does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So he can't tell them apart again. He asks Alex for advice a second time. He tells him to cut one of the horse�s ears. So he does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. He is still confused. He asks Alex what to do. He tells him to measure them. Beckham comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.

Three blondes are walking along and they come across some tracks. "I think it's dog tracks" says the first one. "I think it's wolf tracks" says the second one. "No" says the third one "It's looks like Bear tracks to me." They're still arguing as the train runs them over.

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Marie and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Marcel and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Emmanuel and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Emmanuel privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

The Scouser keyboard...



It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

What's the difference between a Wonderbra and France? A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.

What's the difference between France and Grimsby Fishermen? Grimsby fisherman score quite regularly and know where the back of the net is.

What's the difference between a mini and Barthez's goal? You can only fit 2 comfortably in the back of a mini.

Why does Barthez sweat so much when he's excited? Because he's a tw at.

Why do the French float on water? Because they're scum.

What's the difference between a new student and the French? After two weeks a student has managed to score at least once.

What's the most expensive ticket on the black market in Japan? The next flight from Tokyo to Charles de Gaulle.

What's the difference between France's and China's world cup campaign? 3 days.

What's the difference between France's World Cup campaign and Garlic? Garlic has influence and tends to lingers around longer then French football.

What's the difference between French Football and the Euro? The whole of Europe is united in it's view on French Football.

To the tune of 3 Lions....

This is good. They're going home, They're going home, They're going... The French are going home] x2

Isn't it great, thank God it's true. Although they missed Zizou, It won't do. They're not through. The Froggies went and threw it away. At the end of the day They forgot how to play Now we're all singing...

Not a single goal - Frank Leboeuf still moaning. Lemerre on the dole, No more Gallic groaning.

All of your taunts, all of your jeers, But who is staying here? You were shite, And it's clear. There's no use blaming The referee, Or the pitch, or Henry, Or Zidane's dodgy knee, You're just plain rubbish.

Bunch of whingeing tw*ts , Team of graceless losers, Treze-goal my a*se, Heading down the boozer.

("And here's Rommedahl for Denmark, Rommedahl.. yes! And Den