Now I know from time to time, that y'all sit around the house and slip on a good bluegrass song or two..(don't lie to me now).  Even you punkers like to laze around, maybe cop a buzz, and then wonder why you can't get that shit eatin' grin off'n yourn faces when the ol' G chord gets crankin'...and let's face it, that's all your gonna hear in bluegrass..a G chord on any of the instruments, be it banjo, guitar, mandolin, fiddle or bass...Wanta change the key...just "capo up"; thass right, stick that li'l sucker on there, move it up the guitar neck, and ...yep, play a G chord (but...it'll be in another key, cause ya done moved it up the neck..stoopid).  

Now..this brings me to the very core of this post.  Let's just say, you're on the sofa, and just say (now hang with me here..), and cool Tony Rice lick comes on through.  The first thought gonna go threw yer danged haid is...Hell, I can play that!   So..whatta ya' do?  You go git out the old Martin D-28 (cause that's what Tony plays), and start strummin' that G chord.  Then, maybe you do a G-run with the ol' flatpick.   Hmmm...mebbe that needs a little work.  No mind...take another sip o' Rebel Yell, and hey..go down to the Bluegrass Jam.  They always hold 'em way out in the country, next to a schoolhouse or a barn (at least in North Carolina, they do), and well...(psst...yer not allowed to DRINK...Baptist y'know), but everybody DOES anyways.  Hell, you can even smell the fumes on some folks' breath..

Well, next thing..find ye a little circle of players who are trying their darndest to sound musical, and kinda poke yer haid in...not right away mind you...specially if ye have a Yankee accent like me...they fetter you out right away, so shut up and just lissen..  Now, when ye get bold enough, just start strummin' that G chord, and git in time with 'em.  Do NOT attempt to sing, or put on a harmony even if you know the words to Old Mountain Home, or Molly n' Tenbrooks, 'cause agayen...they WILL look askance at ye' and hell...maybe you'll see one of 'em get the cross out and begin to douse it with gasoline..oh, but enough of that!  Now once the nervousness goes away, and they seem like they accept you...if ye chew...it's OK to spit raght in full view...just natcheral like...that'll make you fit right in, so go ahead and do it!   Now here comes the hard part, and the ultimate test of Bluegrass etiquette.  Do NOT, O M'God , do NOT solo, or do any of your "Tony" licks (even if you want to...or think you can...) until you get "The NOD".   The nod, usually comes from the leader (usually the fat guy playing the Banjo, and christ he is usually the loudest sounding Banjo player in the whole wide world, it seems).  He is also the guy wearing a genyoowine Confederate army cap, complete with the X shaped Stars n' Bars flag, on his haid, so don't say nuthin' bout it...if you don't want to swing from a tree or see some farm boys dancin' lika Jose Greco on yer nice, pretty Martin geetar.   Now...he will look at folks in the circle, one by one, and give the "nod"..but, not in order...now that's important.  He won't go clockwise, or neither counterclockwise..it's at random, so be READY.  He will look at you kinda stern-like, and you might think he's mad at ye'...but it's nuthin' really. Then, nearly imperceptible-like, he will nod his haid, ever so slightly (look for the flag on his cap to go down a little), and that means..it's" yer turn Yankee-boy"..(heh, heh..you'll just wanta wizz in yer britches, and truth be told..ye might!)   Now don't go off on those blazing swing style Tony Rice or Doc Watson jazz inflected licks..that will mean an immediate death sentence for ye.  Take my advice...your fingers will suddenly become stiff and cold, not warm and fast like in your living room, when ye' played half-drunk for your girlfriend..and you won't be able to play but a few notes (think G run here, buddy), then (and this is only the first time, don't worry), you won't be able to play very much AT ALL.  You will freeze.  If this happens, ignore it, and go right back to strummin' that G chord.  If there's an Eminor in the song at that point...hell, strum that, or ..don't play at all...just fake strummin'.   The fat banjo player, hell, he knows that yer a fake, but he'll like you, cause you couldn't/didn't show them up...  He might even slap you on the back, when it's over (careful ye don't swallow that chewin' tobacco plug now..), and hand ye over his pint o' shine for a sip.  (Pssst...some of these ol' country boyz even smoke marijuana...but be careful, they grow 'er own, and it's stronger'n a Bull in heat...make yer dick drag in the dirt..and then you won't be able to FIND your way home..gulp!).   Put it this way...if they invite you back...you're IN...a success story.   So use these little tips of mine, the next time you get the notion to be God's Yankee gift to Bluegrass jams. 

I know this post will be of little/no interest to most of us, except maybe Andrea.  I had fun writing it, and I just HAD to write something to get my mind off the angst I've seen here lately.   Now lunch break's over, and I gotta get back.   Happy pickin' y'all.

Gene