Okay Reg here goes...lighten up it's only a fucking american presidential election...it's not like it means anything...saving you a few clicks....
PUZZLES TO PONDER
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
NEWS MYSTERY OF THE YEAR: ABOMINABLE SHOE MAN?
A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland have found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.
There were 140 shoes of all kinds - trainers, high heels, boots and tap shoes - each stuffed with half a kilo of butter and spread out in the landscape.
"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman said.
"It's not going to be pretty when the butter starts to rot. And we have to wait for the snow so we can get up there with the snowmobile."
from Associated Press Thursday 9th October 2003
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'Need I say more?"
- Chris Rock
OPERATOR 23
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 23 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 23. Hello, Operator 23? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"
10 Most Famous Uses of [shudder] the dreaded "F word"
10. "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them fucking Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fuck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fucking showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fuck's going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . . drum roll.........................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." - Saddam Hussein, March 19, 2003
SHE'LL BE COMING 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
Dozens of women are suffering from a condition that makes them have hundreds of orgasms every day.
Researchers have identified the condition as persistent sexual arousal syndrome.
American sufferer Jean Lund, 51, told The Sun that when she told her gynaecologist he said: "You're every man's dream."
Office manager Jean said: "I looked at him in the face and said: 'How would you like to walk around on the verge of an orgasm every second?' And he shut up."
Ten victims of the rare condition have been documented by Boston University's Institute of Sexual Medicine.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_839283.html
CIRCLE FLIES
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though"
AMBER ALERT
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After speaking for 15 minutes, he said, "I will now answer any questions you have."
Bobby stood up and said: "I have four questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?"
Just then the bell went off and the kids were sent out to play. Upon returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will now answer any questions you have."
A little girl named Julie stood up and said: "I have six questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?"
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10. (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
SIC SIC SIC
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him. The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. "What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
The man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long."
"Your sister!" says the boss. "That's disgusting."
The man says, "Well, I told you I was sick.".
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS
Nigeria's anti-bullet testA traditional healer in Nigeria has died after an anti-bullet charm he prepared failed a potency test.
The healer, Ashi Terfa, was allegedly shot dead by a client in Benue state, during trials for his product.
The herbalist reportedly tied the charm round his neck and asked his client to shoot him to test its efficacy.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3328519.stm
PRECIOUS
Two southern belles are sitting on the veranda, drinking their iced tea. One turns to the other and says, "Honey how was your vacation? Where did you go again?"
The other belle says, "Hon, it was wonderful. I went to San Francisco and hon you wouldn't believe what they do there."
"Well tell all!" the other exclaims. "Well, hon, they have men that lick other men's privates."
"Oh my," said the other belle. "Yes, dear, they call them homosexuals." "Oh my," said the other.
"Oh hon that's nothing. They have men there that lick women's privates too." "Oh my! And what do you call them?" asked the other.
"Well, they call them hetrosexuals."
"Oh my," said the other.
"Oh, but hon that's nothing. They have women that lick other women's privates." "Oh my goodness dear, and what do you call them?" said the other belle.
"I don't know what you call them, honey, but I called her precious."
BUMPER STICKERS OF THE YEAR
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile.
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Who would Jesus Bomb?
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS II
HOW TO BECOME A REPUBLICAN
1) You have to believe that the nation's 8-year prosperity prior to W's administration was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H. Bush, but that today's growing deficit and rising gas prices are all Clinton's fault.
2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3) You have to be against government programs, except Social Security checks on time.
4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, yet you want government to regulate your personal sexual and reproductive decisions.
5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.
6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
7) You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and former President Clinton.
8) You have to believe that society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
9) You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents or Republican men have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
10) You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
11) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.
12) You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
13) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
14) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading and right on the mark.
15) You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
16) You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own art and the poor don't need any.
17) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
18) You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Clinton should have been impeached.
19) You have to believe that George W. Bush really won the last election.
BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY
Tony Alleyne, 50, recently placed his small Leicestershire, England, apartment on the market for the equivalent of US$1.7 million, a price he said was realistic because he has spent nearly 10 years crafting the premises as a finely detailed model of the "Star Trek" starship Enterprise. Included, according to an April report in Australia's Herald Sun, are a life-size transporter control, a gigantic warp core drive, voice-activated lighting and security, and an infinity mirror.
"If you're going to do something," he said, "you have to go all the way." Alleyne said he started the project as therapy when his wife walked out on him.
[Herald Sun, 4-10-03]
LONELINESS....
A lonely 22-year-old man from Palm Beach was arrested for calling 911 over 900 times since May, taxing dispatchers and police. Howard V. Hill Jr. would call and claim that an officer had been shot, indicated that he wanted to shoot an officer with a bow and arrow or just made animal noises into the phone. When questioned about the calls, Hill told police that the culprit was his friend "Jimmy" and he would make sure the calls would stop. However, the calls kept on coming, and Hill later admitted that "Jimmy" was his pet bird.
from:- Bizarre Bazaar Daily Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003
ODORS PLEASING TO THE LORD
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific Bible laws and how to follow them:
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality? I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then", says the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered
"Bring them as well", says the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
