"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document"

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired"

"So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a dog or a cat?"

"Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a close, personal friend of yours.  At least you know somebody who can post bail for you."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  You're right, we don't.  Sign here."