been an anxious week for us, but it appears all's well that ends well...so far...oh blessings             ...oh hope
a few days ago, Maya’s gyno called us to say her blood levels were all far too low:  red, white, platelets, hemoglobin, oh the works, oh no, she was so concerned that we should visit our family doc with urgency.  we saw him, & he agreed, and began to hint at crushing things like bone marrow testing and leukemia and other such horrific things, what kind of putz sells such awful swings so prematurely? ...you know our world came to a very bad place … even with only the hinted potentialities. …this girl, this woman, this morning sunshine my bride & best friend means everything t’me, y’see, u know it’s true.

u might call it sappy but to me she’s been my only truth, substance, religion, the only place my soul has felt at home ~~ yes our children too, wholeheartedly certainly,  but this girl ………   awGeez, my friend, …how could I describe my love?  how can anybody ever define love when it’s been so real for so long? oh dire.

so, the family doc hung down from precarious strings like a bobblehead on a bumpy spring and said we should see a blood specialist before day 3. & so the waiting had begun for her (mostly) and i there in the dark of the sun; the quiet times together saying how it’s going to be okay, this is a fluke; she is so vital, so alive, so healthy of body and spirit and like mind, so NOT a part of most bad earth …in the company of this sullen human dearth

some fretful walk on the cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud is what we’re on love.  hold on love.  some worried walk on the cold, cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud is what we’re on love.  hold on love. love hold on, hold on.

•         •                                                                                                                                            •

…so the true center of my solar system and i walked precariously into a cancer treatment center…this morning: cancer written gently all over the place, a wearisome billboard for the likes of one courageous and uneasy woman & her man (who’d been welling-up most every moment when alone for the past 3 days and 2 nights) to see the word all around them (in such schmaltzy, waltzy, paltry and advertising ways that should have been said without the word present anywhere) while filling out forms and waiting … waiting for what kind of enlightenment.  then from the well-let lobby waiting room of doom to the other little whiteout homogenous cube of drop-ceiling & drywall & decent lithographs of autumn trees beside moving water or still waters & spring fed ponds by flora & winged fauna where the laypeople wait again in solemn silence & discomfort much like number-balls in vacuum popping off each other with whatever good thoughts one can mean to say

…In comes some well-trusted blood specialist in fine suit & tie, stethoscope dangling in schooled hawk-eye fashion: a middle-aged doctor with the look of Henry Winkler, the shuffle of Dustin Hoffman, the voice of Sean Connery but not near as Scottish (as he shook our hands and made with the doc rap), horned rim glasses below the bridge of his nose and the name, Dr. Golan-Knight.  i thought: great name … 

i wonder what is the derivation

some fretful walk on the cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud is what we’re on love.  hold on love.  some worried walk on the cold, cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud is what we’re on love.  hold on love.  love hold on,  hold on.

…..he spoke to Maya-blue more than to me because she is the center of our universe you see and the one who’s blood had gone into the bad place the other day.  this is such a bad place to be on any given day.  then he looked at Maya closely ~~ i think he just wanted to check out her lovely breasts in the company of her husband of twenty-something years (hah…just kidding you, but not about the loveliness of her breasts), ……..anyway, he read her numbers and rubbed his face and looked at her with an earnest gaze and smiled ~~ so learnedly that the birds in the lithos on the four walls turned looking too ~~ at this vital lady-joy as he said that, all considered, … he believes her to have a B12 deficiency

so a B12 shot today is the culmination of something colder, darker than grey blood-lab folder no don’t listen to those thoughts we’d been living with.  then a follow-up in a few days to be sure, oh you know the score, we still don’t know for sure …followed by probable monthly B12 shots. a B12 DEFICIENCY!! Oh relief, some 3 days of steady-heady woe debriefed; a dreadful walk beside a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud … to find a well-tended steel and wood covered bridge on which to cross the mad river       to the sunny meadow on the other side.

some fretful walk on the cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud  is what we’re on love.  hold on love.   some worried walk on the cold, cold side of a jagged and fast flowing icy river of mud is what we’re on love.  hold on love. love hold on, hold on.