http://www.theonion.com/onion3833/bush_wont_stop_asking.html
BUSH WON'T STOP ASKING CHENEY IF WE CAN INVADE YET
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment
to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that
he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of
the day.
"I told him, 'Listen, George, I promise we're going to invade Iraq,
but you have to be patient,'" Cheney said. "'We need a halfway
plausible casus belli. You know that, George. Now, stop bugging me
about it.'"
According to Cheney, for the past three weeks, Bush has been
constantly asking if it's time to move troops into the Gulf region.
"George is calling me, he's following me around in the halls, he's
leaving notes on my desk reminding me to let him know if I hear 'any
news,'" Cheney said. "He just will not sit still. I actually have a
permanent red mark on my shoulder on the spot where he comes up and
taps me."
"'Hey, Dick, is it time yet?'" said Cheney, adopting a Texas drawl in
imitation of the president. "'Hey, Dick, can we invade yet?'"
In spite of repeated assurances that he will be apprised the moment
the time to invade arrives, Bush continues to badger Cheney.
"He knows I don't want to talk about it, but he still somehow manages
to find a way to sneak it into conversations," Cheney said. "He'll
drop by my office on some pretense—the Kyoto treaty or whatever—and
then right before he's about to leave, he'll say, 'Oh, by the way, do
you think it's time to get those troops into the Middle East yet?' As
if that wasn't his whole reason for the visit."
Bush has also taken to hanging around certain West Wing hallways,
hoping to "accidentally" bump into Cheney as he exits meetings.
"Last Thursday, I nearly ran him over as I was coming out of a
debriefing with the Joint Chiefs of Staff," Cheney said. "So he
says, 'I was thinking of maybe talking to [CIA director] George
Tenet, because the CIA helped spark that Kurdish uprising in '96, so
maybe we could do something like that again with Iraq.' I
said, 'George, I'm doing everything I possibly can to set things up
for an Iraq invasion. Try to think about something else—health-care
reform, the economy, anything—before I strangle you.'"
Though he understands and appreciates the president's eagerness,
Cheney said his patience finally wore out when Bush called him at
home over the weekend.
"I'm sitting down to dinner, and I get a phone call asking
if 'Congress knows they've got weapons of mass destruction,'" Cheney
said. "I told him yes, and to settle down. Later that night—it must
have been midnight—the secured line rings. I leap out of bed,
thinking something awful has happened. It's George, saying that he
can't sleep thinking about how right at this very minute, Saddam is
manufacturing more weapons of mass destruction, and we're sitting
here doing nothing."
On Monday, Cheney sat Bush down and explained at length the political
ramifications of proceeding with a first strike without creating the
appearance of approval from Congress and the American people.
"I said we can do it, but we don't want to at this moment," Cheney
said. "'If we just wait a little longer, Saddam is bound to commit
some act of aggression or we'll find some juicy al Qaeda ties or
something, and then we can make it look like the whole country's
behind it. George has got to learn to hold his horses."
Cheney also explained to Bush that his constant pestering is keeping
him from attending to the very work that will make the invasion a
reality.
"Donald [Rumsfeld] and I are working on the U.N. weapons-inspections
thing, and we're this close to finding a way to make that a
compelling reason, but we just need a little more time," Cheney
said. "I told George to go back to the Oval Office and stay there. I
also made him put his hand on his heart and promise me he wouldn't
talk to me about it anymore."
Within an hour of sending Bush to his office, Cheney received six e-
mails from Bush, all of them forwarded news articles that the
president had found online. Among them was an Associated Press story
titled, "Lawyers Say Bush Does Not Need Congress To Attack Iraq,"
accompanied by a message from Bush reading, "dick, have you seen
this?!?!?!?!?! [sic]"
"Of course I've seen it," Cheney said. "Who does he think planted the
story?"
The vice-president is not the only key White House figure Bush has
harassed.
"George is driving me absolutely batty," Rumsfeld said. "I got back
from lunch, and there were four voicemail messages from him, then
another two on my cell phone. Each one says he has to talk to me
about a 'highly confidential subject,' as if I don't know what it is.
Condoleezza [Rice] said she's been getting the same thing. He just
doesn't seem to understand that we all want war as badly as he does."
Is it time yet, huh, huh, is it time yet?
blockdog
location: Land of Confusion
listening to: Jeff Black - Honey & Salt
registered: 2004.04.04
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http://www.theonion.com/onion3833/bush_wont_stop_asking.html
BUSH WON'T STOP ASKING CHENEY IF WE CAN INVADE YET
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment
to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that
he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of
the day.
"I told him, 'Listen, George, I promise we're going to invade Iraq,
but you have to be patient,'" Cheney said. "'We need a halfway
plausible casus belli. You know that, George. Now, stop bugging me
about it.'"
According to Cheney, for the past three weeks, Bush has been
constantly asking if it's time to move troops into the Gulf region.
"George is calling me, he's following me around in the halls, he's
leaving notes on my desk reminding me to let him know if I hear 'any
news,'" Cheney said. "He just will not sit still. I actually have a
permanent red mark on my shoulder on the spot where he comes up and
taps me."
"'Hey, Dick, is it time yet?'" said Cheney, adopting a Texas drawl in
imitation of the president. "'Hey, Dick, can we invade yet?'"
In spite of repeated assurances that he will be apprised the moment
the time to invade arrives, Bush continues to badger Cheney.
"He knows I don't want to talk about it, but he still somehow manages
to find a way to sneak it into conversations," Cheney said. "He'll
drop by my office on some pretense—the Kyoto treaty or whatever—and
then right before he's about to leave, he'll say, 'Oh, by the way, do
you think it's time to get those troops into the Middle East yet?' As
if that wasn't his whole reason for the visit."
Bush has also taken to hanging around certain West Wing hallways,
hoping to "accidentally" bump into Cheney as he exits meetings.
"Last Thursday, I nearly ran him over as I was coming out of a
debriefing with the Joint Chiefs of Staff," Cheney said. "So he
says, 'I was thinking of maybe talking to [CIA director] George
Tenet, because the CIA helped spark that Kurdish uprising in '96, so
maybe we could do something like that again with Iraq.' I
said, 'George, I'm doing everything I possibly can to set things up
for an Iraq invasion. Try to think about something else—health-care
reform, the economy, anything—before I strangle you.'"
Though he understands and appreciates the president's eagerness,
Cheney said his patience finally wore out when Bush called him at
home over the weekend.
"I'm sitting down to dinner, and I get a phone call asking
if 'Congress knows they've got weapons of mass destruction,'" Cheney
said. "I told him yes, and to settle down. Later that night—it must
have been midnight—the secured line rings. I leap out of bed,
thinking something awful has happened. It's George, saying that he
can't sleep thinking about how right at this very minute, Saddam is
manufacturing more weapons of mass destruction, and we're sitting
here doing nothing."
On Monday, Cheney sat Bush down and explained at length the political
ramifications of proceeding with a first strike without creating the
appearance of approval from Congress and the American people.
"I said we can do it, but we don't want to at this moment," Cheney
said. "'If we just wait a little longer, Saddam is bound to commit
some act of aggression or we'll find some juicy al Qaeda ties or
something, and then we can make it look like the whole country's
behind it. George has got to learn to hold his horses."
Cheney also explained to Bush that his constant pestering is keeping
him from attending to the very work that will make the invasion a
reality.
"Donald [Rumsfeld] and I are working on the U.N. weapons-inspections
thing, and we're this close to finding a way to make that a
compelling reason, but we just need a little more time," Cheney
said. "I told George to go back to the Oval Office and stay there. I
also made him put his hand on his heart and promise me he wouldn't
talk to me about it anymore."
Within an hour of sending Bush to his office, Cheney received six e-
mails from Bush, all of them forwarded news articles that the
president had found online. Among them was an Associated Press story
titled, "Lawyers Say Bush Does Not Need Congress To Attack Iraq,"
accompanied by a message from Bush reading, "dick, have you seen
this?!?!?!?!?! [sic]"
"Of course I've seen it," Cheney said. "Who does he think planted the
story?"
The vice-president is not the only key White House figure Bush has
harassed.
"George is driving me absolutely batty," Rumsfeld said. "I got back
from lunch, and there were four voicemail messages from him, then
another two on my cell phone. Each one says he has to talk to me
about a 'highly confidential subject,' as if I don't know what it is.
Condoleezza [Rice] said she's been getting the same thing. He just
doesn't seem to understand that we all want war as badly as he does."
BUSH WON'T STOP ASKING CHENEY IF WE CAN INVADE YET
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment
to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that
he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of
the day.
"I told him, 'Listen, George, I promise we're going to invade Iraq,
but you have to be patient,'" Cheney said. "'We need a halfway
plausible casus belli. You know that, George. Now, stop bugging me
about it.'"
According to Cheney, for the past three weeks, Bush has been
constantly asking if it's time to move troops into the Gulf region.
"George is calling me, he's following me around in the halls, he's
leaving notes on my desk reminding me to let him know if I hear 'any
news,'" Cheney said. "He just will not sit still. I actually have a
permanent red mark on my shoulder on the spot where he comes up and
taps me."
"'Hey, Dick, is it time yet?'" said Cheney, adopting a Texas drawl in
imitation of the president. "'Hey, Dick, can we invade yet?'"
In spite of repeated assurances that he will be apprised the moment
the time to invade arrives, Bush continues to badger Cheney.
"He knows I don't want to talk about it, but he still somehow manages
to find a way to sneak it into conversations," Cheney said. "He'll
drop by my office on some pretense—the Kyoto treaty or whatever—and
then right before he's about to leave, he'll say, 'Oh, by the way, do
you think it's time to get those troops into the Middle East yet?' As
if that wasn't his whole reason for the visit."
Bush has also taken to hanging around certain West Wing hallways,
hoping to "accidentally" bump into Cheney as he exits meetings.
"Last Thursday, I nearly ran him over as I was coming out of a
debriefing with the Joint Chiefs of Staff," Cheney said. "So he
says, 'I was thinking of maybe talking to [CIA director] George
Tenet, because the CIA helped spark that Kurdish uprising in '96, so
maybe we could do something like that again with Iraq.' I
said, 'George, I'm doing everything I possibly can to set things up
for an Iraq invasion. Try to think about something else—health-care
reform, the economy, anything—before I strangle you.'"
Though he understands and appreciates the president's eagerness,
Cheney said his patience finally wore out when Bush called him at
home over the weekend.
"I'm sitting down to dinner, and I get a phone call asking
if 'Congress knows they've got weapons of mass destruction,'" Cheney
said. "I told him yes, and to settle down. Later that night—it must
have been midnight—the secured line rings. I leap out of bed,
thinking something awful has happened. It's George, saying that he
can't sleep thinking about how right at this very minute, Saddam is
manufacturing more weapons of mass destruction, and we're sitting
here doing nothing."
On Monday, Cheney sat Bush down and explained at length the political
ramifications of proceeding with a first strike without creating the
appearance of approval from Congress and the American people.
"I said we can do it, but we don't want to at this moment," Cheney
said. "'If we just wait a little longer, Saddam is bound to commit
some act of aggression or we'll find some juicy al Qaeda ties or
something, and then we can make it look like the whole country's
behind it. George has got to learn to hold his horses."
Cheney also explained to Bush that his constant pestering is keeping
him from attending to the very work that will make the invasion a
reality.
"Donald [Rumsfeld] and I are working on the U.N. weapons-inspections
thing, and we're this close to finding a way to make that a
compelling reason, but we just need a little more time," Cheney
said. "I told George to go back to the Oval Office and stay there. I
also made him put his hand on his heart and promise me he wouldn't
talk to me about it anymore."
Within an hour of sending Bush to his office, Cheney received six e-
mails from Bush, all of them forwarded news articles that the
president had found online. Among them was an Associated Press story
titled, "Lawyers Say Bush Does Not Need Congress To Attack Iraq,"
accompanied by a message from Bush reading, "dick, have you seen
this?!?!?!?!?! [sic]"
"Of course I've seen it," Cheney said. "Who does he think planted the
story?"
The vice-president is not the only key White House figure Bush has
harassed.
"George is driving me absolutely batty," Rumsfeld said. "I got back
from lunch, and there were four voicemail messages from him, then
another two on my cell phone. Each one says he has to talk to me
about a 'highly confidential subject,' as if I don't know what it is.
Condoleezza [Rice] said she's been getting the same thing. He just
doesn't seem to understand that we all want war as badly as he does."
