Borowitz on Health Care
POSTED MARCH 29, 2012
An Argument Against Healthcare
From the National Alliance of Funeral Directors
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The following message was released today
by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the
Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is
unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t
agree more.It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me
liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed
that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here
at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution,
which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says
nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him
from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make
them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito
compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally,
burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we
enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated
to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May
we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with
sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles
($2899).As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers,
embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will
ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of
every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when
they do, we’ll be waiting for you.Sincerely,The National Alliance of Funeral Directors
A
Andrea
(view)
POSTED MARCH 29, 2012
An Argument Against Healthcare
From the National Alliance of Funeral Directors
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The following message was released today
by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the
Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is
unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t
agree more.It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me
liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed
that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here
at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution,
which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says
nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him
from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make
them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito
compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally,
burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we
enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated
to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May
we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with
sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles
($2899).As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers,
embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will
ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of
every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when
they do, we’ll be waiting for you.Sincerely,The National Alliance of Funeral Directors
