French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan to
Convince Taliban
> of Non-Existence of God
>
> The clean-up portion of the ground war in Afghanistan
heated up
> yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a
platoon of crack
> French existentialist philosophers into the country to
destroy the
> morale of the remaining Taliban zealots by proving the
non-existence of
> God.
>
> Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or
'Black Berets',
> will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt,
despondency
> and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by
numerous
> intellectual battles fought during their long occupation
of Paris's Left
>
> Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of
sidewalk cafes
>
> at strategic points near the front lines.
>
> There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about
the absurd nature
>
> of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They
will be
> accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful
girlfriends who
> will further spread dismay by looking remote and
unattainable to
> everyone else.
>
> Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday
of his
> confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne
graduate Belmondo,
> a very intense and unshaven young man in a black
pullover, gesticulated
> wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical
fallacy of the
> most ridiculous nature. There is no God and I can prove
it. Stop
> pouting, Juliette, I am talking."
>
> Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's
nauseating
> freedom of action with special reference to the work of
Foucault and the
>
> films of Alfred Hitchcock.
>
> Humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the
operation as
> inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive
smoking from the
> Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll
on civilians in
> the area.