"Al Gore's son was pulled over by police on the San Diego Freeway Tuesday with marijuana, Valium, Xanax and Vicodin on him. The kid never had a chance. He got hooked on downers at an early age listening to his father read him bedtime stories." ---Argus Hamilton

"Some of the coverage of Live Earth was unintentionally amusing. One report from the NY Times told of the point during the concert at Giants Stadium in New Jersey 'when Al Gore bounded onto the stage wearing jeans and a black shirt.' Gore in a black shirt: A human eclipse of the sun. Another bit of unintentional irony was when Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. exhorted the same crowd to 'get rid of all those rotten politicians we have in Washington, D. C.'...[O]ne assumes he was tacitly exempting his Uncle Ted." ---Rich Galen

"'If you want to save the planet, I want you to start jumping up and down...' Madonna railed from the stage at London's Live Earth concert Saturday. 'If you want to save the planet, let me see you jump!' You just can't beat that. What else could capture the canned juvenilia of a 48-year-old centimillionaire---who owns nine homes and has a 'carbon footprint' nearly 100 times larger than the norm---hectoring a bunch of well-off aging hipsters to show their Earth-love by jumping up and down like children?" ---Jonah Goldberg

"Did you watch the Live Earth concert against global warming? Neither did I! I was shoveling coal into my Styrofoam factory, enjoying roast penguin." ---Craig Ferguson

David Letterman: "Top Things Overheard In Line To Buy The iPhone": "Finally, I can talk on the phone while watching 'Laverne & Shirley' "; "Can I call Mars with this thing?"; "Sorry folks, Apple just announced it's obsolete"; "I'll be right back, I have to go take an iLeak"; "This is why the terrorists hate us"; "It's $499 for the 4GB model, or $599 for the deluxe which makes waffles."

Jay Leno: Happy birthday to President Bush, who turned 61 on Friday. But since he's the president, he had his age commuted down to 59. ... President Bush told British reporters last week he wishes he was a better speaker---at least that's what they think he said. They're not quite sure. ... As I'm sure you know, President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. It was voted down by the Senate. I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed a little testy. ... In fact, some illegal aliens are so angry, they're threatening to leave the country. ... Did you see all those doctors last week involved in that terrorist attack at the Glasgow airport? How scary was that? You thought the docs at your HMO were bad. ... Who watched that Live Earth thing? I guess they had a huge tree on stage---I thought it was a huge tree. Turns out it was just Al Gore giving a speech. ... Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, arrested in Laguna Niguel, California. Police found marijuana in his car. Police searched the car after pulling him over for going 100mph in his Prius. When his dad found out he said, "Whew, thank God it was a Prius. That could've been so embarrassing."

My favorite:

"[W]e ought to vote to dissolve the Congress and go home and wait for the next election." ---Sen. Trent Lott