Thank you thank you thank you, that is brilliant, I love it:

[Thou hath] not so much brain as ear wax.

If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.

[Thou] foul defacer of God's handiwork!

Thou odiferous dismal-dreaming baggage! [somebody at the PR firm overlooked that one]

Your virginity, your old virginity is like one of our French wither'd pears: it looks ill, it eats drily.

Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters.

Thou art a very ragged Wart.

Thou fawning base-court canker-blossom!

There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

Thou dankish dismal-dreaming pignut!

Thou warped hell-hated pignut!

Thou frothy swag-bellied pignut!

Thou puny dizzy-eyed codpiece!

I took thee for thy better.

O teach me how I should forget to think.

Thou ruttish ill breeding harpy.

Thou crusty botch of nature!

Were I like thee I'd throw away myself.

Thou tottering earth-vexing malcontent!

Thou art essentially a natural coward without instinct.

Thou fusty swag-bellied minnow!

If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for thy dowry.

[Thou art] a very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow.

Thou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit.

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

Thou weedy malmsey-nosed ratsbane!

Thou gleeking sheep-biting foot-licker!

Thou burly-boned clay-brained joithead!

what's a joithead?